Dealing
by yurisnow
Summary: "Hey Sam, how are ya?" Bobby asked. How was I? Did he really want me to answer that question honestly?  "Sore, other then that I'm fine." "Sam, you've got to talk. All this depression kept up inside you isn't going to help you or your brother." - Complete


**Author's Note: **Yet another Supernatural fanfic. I have so many ideas and I'm writing them down when ever I have the idea. So yeah. Hope you guys like it. This takes place after 2.01

And so we go...

XxXxXx

I looked up when I heard Dean come in. I quickly hid the paper underneath my mattress. He didn't need to know what I was going through. He was already having a difficult time. He didn't need me complicating things for him. Dean must have seen what I shoved underneath the mattress because he gave me a questioning look. He was about to say something but he dropped it. He closed the door and laid down on the bed opposite me. "Bobby has dinner cooking." Dean muttered with his eyes closed.

I nodded without saying anything. We were staying at Bobby's for the time being. Dean was still healing and I was still really sore after the crash. There was no way we could sit in a car for ten to twelve hours a day. We wouldn't be able to move by the time we stopped at night. I looked over at Dean who still had the cut on his forehead and a few others on his arms. Dean has his eyes closed and he was breathing quietly. It looked like he was asleep. I looked at my arms that had cuts on them. I still had several cuts on face and the one around my eye was still bad. I looked back at Dean who had rolled over and was fast asleep. He had been really tired since being out of the hospital. It was like the coma took everything out of him.

I pulled the piece of paper out from underneath the mattress. I read over what it said and stood up. I stuffed it in my back pocket and went to go downstairs.

XxXxXx

"Hey Bobby," I sat down watching Bobby cook eggs.

"Hey Sam, how are ya?" Bobby asked without looking up from the eggs.

How was I? Did he really want me to answer that question honestly? I contemplated for a moment whether to answer honestly or not. I sighed deeply. "Sore, other then that I'm fine."

Bobby looked up and didn't say anything. "Dinners about ready. Where's Dean?"

"Asleep."

"He went up there five minutes ago," Bobby said baffled.

I nodded. "I know but he's been really tired ever since he was released from the hospital." I was about to go get him but I didn't get up. "Can we let him sleep? He needs his sleep. He never got any sleep before the crash.

"Sure, that means more for us," Bobby joked dishing out the scrambled eggs. I got a glass of water and got Bobby one too. I sat down and handed Bobby the water. We ate in silence for a couple of minutes before Bobby broke it. "Sam, you've got to talk. All this depression kept up inside you isn't going to help you or your brother."

I looked at Bobby then back at my eggs. "I know but Dean doesn't want to talk."

"I'm here, did you ever think about me?" I opened my mouth then closed it. "I know you and your daddy weren't close but ya still loved him Sam."

"I know but I don't know where to start."

"Well, how 'bout this, how do you feel?"

I thought about this for a moment. I looked at Bobby square in the eye. "I'm not alright. I'm not dealing with Dad's death. I want to punch or shot or kick or hurt someone. When I go out, it hurts me so much when I see the little kids with there dads. I wish that Dad would have done that with me. Held my hand and took me to get ice cream. He never did. Not even once. It was always Dean." That was the most I've spoken since yesterday afternoon.

Bobby nodded for a moment. "I know he was never there during that time but he did the best he could."

"Best he could? Bobby, I've never had a house. The two closet things I've had to a house was the Impala - which is totaled at the moment - and Stanford. Not even the motels where a house to me. He screwed Dean and me ten times over." I almost shouted at Bobby. I felt tears gathering in my eyes but I tried to ignore them. I gripped my fork so hard that it was leaving an indent on my hand.

"You may not have had a house but you had somewhere to stay. Whether it was the Impala or a motel. You always had a roof over your head. There are people all over the world that only have the stars. You're lucky compared to some people."

"If I'm so lucky, then why don't I feel lucky?"

"You and Dean are alive right? That's lucky," Bobby threw his hands up somewhat frustrated with me.

I nodded. I had to agree with that. I went back to eating my eggs.

XxXxXx

I looked at the piece of paper. It was scribbled all over it with my handwriting. Words that didn't make sense before but now make prefect sense. I looked at the still sleeping form of my big brother and read over the scribbled words.

_I wish I could have said more to you. I wish that I could have apologized to you Dad. I wish you hadn't made that deal. I wish you were still here. Even though Dean and I are in our twenties, we still need you. We don't know what we're doing. Even is we pretend to. You're guidance (even if I don't agree with it most of the time) helped us. A lot. We still need it._

_When I found you laying on the ground not breathing, I didn't know what to think. I just knelt down and shouted for help. Dean had just been healed because of your deal. I wanted to go back on the road with you. I wanted to make things better between the two of us. But I can't know because you're gone. _

_I want to take back my last conversation with you. I know it was mean and stupid of me to say all that but if I had known that was my last time seeing you, I would have said something else. I should have known it was my last time seeing you when you looked at me that way. When we made eye contact for the last time. When you told me you loved me and forgave me through your eye contact. I should have known. I should have known but I was too naïve and stupid to know._

_I'm not dealing with your death dad. I want you to know that. I want you to know that I'm having a difficult time. I wish I was like Dean. Whose strong and doesn't show emotion like I do. It would be so much easier. It would make dealing with your death so much easier. Da-_

I looked up from the tear blotted letter when I heard Dean move. He had slept for the last five hours and I was pretty sure he would have slept through the night. I had been crying and there was no way to hide the tears that were falling down my face. Dean looked up at me surprised. He rarely saw me cry and I rarely saw him cry. So this was a first for him. He got up and sat next to me on the bed. He took the letter from my hands and gathered me into a hug. I let my tears cascaded even faster down my face. I couldn't stop it. They just kept coming. I heard something else. I heard Dean crying too.

"It's alright Sammy. Everything is alright."


End file.
